Couples conversations – knowing each other

Plan to spend some time with your partner at least 2-3 times a week. Choose a time that works best for you both – it need only be for 5-10 minutes.

This time should be an easy relaxed get-together – where you can talk about small, everyday things. Keep away from the ‘big’ subjects and don’t discuss any major or contentious issues. Save these for a specific discussion time.

Think about these times as simply being together and getting to know your partner really well. Use questions that will evoke explanations, ideas, emotions and feelings. Best questions to use are open-ended questions – questions that begin with How….When…..What……?

The aim is for you both to feel consistently safe and relaxed when you talk to each other – for the amygdala (that processes emotions especially fear and surprise) in your brains to remain calm and not move into alert.

You will feel safe with your partner when there is conversation without criticism, without judgments, and where there are no demands for explanations.

When you feel safe in interactions with your partner you can:

• listen effectively
• process and understand any information
• use emotions to show that you care/understand

Talking, listening and truly understanding your partner will enable you to build the foundations of your relationship – good communication, intimacy and understanding.

What you can do

Make time regularly to talk to your partner – so it becomes part of your routine

Stick to small, everyday events

Listen really, really well